Its the strangest, surreal experience when all that pretense is shattered and a stranger asks you to hold them. The need to be held, to share for a second that comfort and refuge from the world in another’s arms. I met him a few hours earlier, we [bunch of friends old and new] stayed up till sunrise a bunch of lost souls unified in our deliberate fight against ‘normality’ and the dull. All pleasantries aside it was the saddest and happiest moment in his arms. Completely platonic without sexual advances. It was exactly what I needed too, strange how a complete stranger could give me all that I craved. For a few moments we shared a connection of humility of a love we both clearly need, of affection of another. It was beautiful in its purity but heartbreaking. Strange how even when you get what you need, or if your surrounded by so many beautiful intelligent people you can still feel utterly alone. The act of love, pushed me to new heights of self loathing, ineptitude and longing for a love and acceptance that I know is out there, but has eluded me for all this time. I’m sick of being cheated by the opposite of love. The realisation also hit me that that pattern of indulgence that night wasn’t conducive to that ever happening not healthily anyhow but that’s my only viable means of survival. Self medication to feel alive, is that what I’ve become. At least I’m thankful for one thing: every day is a chance to do better, to be better. To infiltrate the masses, they seem so happy all the time. I’m happy yes, I take delight in childish past times and simple joys but for different reasons. For me its an active choice a means to survive, if not I’ll splinter. I surprised myself. How easy it was for me to let him in even for a moment to be completely vulnerable and love without wanting anything in return except to share a beautiful moment a definitive punctuation in a jumbled sentence. I’m glad I could but its also a weakness as much as I siphon off my openness, I guess in altered states I let my guard down I just want to show affection, to have affection.
“I swear I waited and waited, I’ve got to get out of this hole,” self destruction aside I’m choosing to value myself. I tried him on it didn’t fit, oddly a stranger did. But I never wanted more. none of them are you. But I choose me, finally and fully. Someone has too.
Peace, love and empathy. vinyl splinters.